It’s Okay, I’m Not Mad

On the contrary, I am quite the opposite. I’m proud of you and happy for you. I’m so excited that you’ve accomplished so much. And I can’t wait to see where it all takes you.

No, I’m not mad. Mad is what I would have felt maybe last year, or the year before. Mad is what I would have allowed myself to feel maybe even mere months ago. And it’s okay. It’s okay to not be mad. Because I’m not.

What I am, it is not the same as mad. It’s a fine line in between mad and sad. It’s this weird limbo effect that you can’t explain. Hell, you don’t even know if there’s a word for it, but there probably is. It’s a murky, numb feeling. It’s a feeling that makes you look at the world and look at your hands and think ‘Why?’ ‘What did I do wrong?’ ‘What could I have done differently?’ ‘Would I be happier if I did things another way?’ ‘Would I be okay?’ ‘Would things be better?’

No. No, no, no I’m not mad. Not even a little bit. I’m frustrated. I’m bitter. I’m sad. And I’m hurt. But don’t misjudge my words before. I am also proud, glad, and wish you well.

But I also know the price of what has happened. I know what the joys are. And I know what the befallen is. I know in my heart that being proud of one while resenting and demeaning the other is the path you’ve so very obviously chosen. It’s a line well crossed onto the farthest side from me. It’s a picture painted that you’re getting everything you wanted now, but none of it was the person you so truly believed would have. It’s a celebration on the behalf of those who worked so hard and became your picture of perfection and glory. And on the other, it’s a loss and a despising glance for the one you see as ruining their very existence and living in the black pit of wrongness.

No. I am not mad. I wish you well and I hope that you get everything you’ve ever wanted and I truly hope that you are everything they wanted. I hope you succeed above all else and I hope that you get to experience wonderful things in this life. I also hope that you thrive, you live, and you breathe what’s all around you. Don’t close your mind off like them. Be open, be accepting, be loving, and be ready. The world is not as black and white as you know it to be. And the world doesn’t revolve around one singular race or orientation. Open your heart, and you’ll find yourself among the best of the best. I hope that day comes for you.

So celebrate in your successes, and say how proud you are. I know I am, but I know what the far reached of your minds are also thinking. What a difference between the two and what a huge failure one over the other has become. How you wish my life was infinitely more different than that of what is happening now. How you wish that I would have turned around and ran backwards. How I should have just . . . stopped living. Stopped breathing. Stop being me. It’s a loss and it’s a failure you can’t seem to let go. But it’s okay. I’m not mad.

I like it here. And I like it here a lot. It’s not always easy, but it’s the best and happiest I have felt or been in a very long time. I have experiences I never thought possible. I have friends who love me and understand my best and worst. I have a wonderful boyfriend, amazing chances, and even more still yet to come. I love it here. And I wish you could, too.

So no. I’m not mad. Not even a little bit. The hatred and hurt in my heart and chest have become too much to carry anymore. It becomes sadness, it becomes a numbing distance throb. It becomes longing and wishful thinking. It just becomes heavy until something pulls my mind away from it all. So don’t worry.

Because no, I’m not mad.

I am just balanced. I am collected. I am rational.

And those, oh all of those. They are all simply just the opposite.

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